I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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