You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
