So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Less talking, more tequila
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
