life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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