Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
