if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
