I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
