They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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