I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm getting married
To pizza
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
