Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
