Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
