I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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