Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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