She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
