The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Randomize
