saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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