I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
