At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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