Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
