All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
