I swear to god he's a one man village people.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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