dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
