i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
