Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
