I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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