I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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