I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
tell me about the fingering
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
