so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
