here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
