Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
