Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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