Your face is a jimmy john
I CAN MOONWALK!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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