So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
