you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
