Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
