Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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