Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
