My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
