so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
