Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
