My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
