i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Randomize
