I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
