your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Sorry my hands just texted you
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
