Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
