I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
two words: eviction party
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
