matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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