dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
