I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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