i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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