I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
