Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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