My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
