I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
