just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
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The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
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I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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