Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
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My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
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Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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