P.S. I can't hear my feet
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
