i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
