Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
