So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
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Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
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he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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