So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
