yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
