I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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